I’ve never been very confident but I never thought anything of it. I had friends who I could be comfortable around and online I was a social butterfly but when I was around 13 something changed and suddenly I felt like I was spiraling. I’ve wanted to write this forever but it’s sat in my drafts unpublished out of fear and also anxiety. But with so many lovely amazing people encouraging me and sharing their own stories I had the courage to take the leap and hit that button.
I want to say I’m not an expert or going to dish out advice but I wanted to share my own personal experience and also where I’m at now with everything in my life. I feel like I’ve come leaps and bounds especially since I started blogging and also since I started chatting to all you lovely guys. So thank you! It’s going to be a long one so take a seat and get comfortable or click away if this isn’t your thing.
Let me start by saying if you’ve come here for a juicy bit of gossip you’ll be disappointed because I’m not going to trudge you through my entire medical history and personal life. I’ve always been nervous and quiet but something happened in secondary school which completely shattered my confidence and made my anxiety and depression sky rocket. I was bullied and that’s all I’ll say because I’ve moved on from it and would rather not bring it all back. It was some of the worst times of my life and it will always affect me but I got away from it and now I’d rather forget. It nothing to be ashamed of and I hate to let the people who made my life a misery win by giving up so I carried on and feel better in myself for it. It can be hard to forget all the names and things that happened but for every negative I try and think of something happy and positive to say (I actually learnt this technique from a professional so I will say if helped me.) I also think it’s important to be positive and have a happy outlook if you want to improve your mental health and confidence as it’s always worked for me.
The best thing was also knowing I wasn’t alone and lots of other people had the same thing. Obviously I didn’t want others to have it but it was easier not feeling so alone. I felt very supported and like I could actually breath rather than hold everything in. I also actually felt less panicked because I knew when my chest felt tight it wasn’t things like a heart attack but just a symptom of anxiety and the same goes for not feeling like I could breath.
Sometimes my panicking can get the best of me and I can’t sleep or do everyday things. Sometimes I feel isolated and others I don’t like to leave the house. It’s different every time and for every person. It can feel scary and horrible and all the other bad things in the world but it can also make you feel alone and that’s the worst part for me.
I don’t think they’ll ever be a stage where I’m completely better but they’ll be days when I won’t feel awful or depressed or panicky and they’ll be weeks and then months and then maybe years. I’m taking each day as it comes and trying to deal with it my way. I think the worst thing I could do is ignore it. I know that I might not have the life I thought I’d have but I can still do all the things I wanted just with extra bumps in the road.
I think my next step is going to more things. Me and my sister really want to go to a concert and if I actually achieve it I think I’d probably cry with joy. I struggle with crowds and huge amounts of people but I want to tackle it and be more confident and comfortable in myself and what I do. Writing this was a step towards that.
I guess that’s really it and sorry if I went on but I feel like a weights gone and I can actually get more personal on my blog now. If you need to chat I’m here.
Here are some posts which helped me take the leap and write this post